Sniktety Snikt!: Here Comes The Stabbin’.
Whatever the world throws my way


New set. Black and Blue.

Ordinary suit for Dermot.

Cheryl is wearing a leopardskin top and leather pants.

Groups to start. Everyone is doing No.1’s this week.

Girls Not Aloud kicking off. Blonde has a Gemma Atkinson thing going. And they’re arguing during rehersals. Louie thinks they fell apart. They’re singing Venus. And sound hopeless.

Cheryl sees herself on camera and grins.

Judges – Louie looks like he’s about to cry. Dani loved that they opened big. Cheryl liked them – Simon thinks it was “OK” – predictable Girls Aloud rejects, prompting a withering look from Cheryl. Louie is very proud.

12 acts. Christ

Austin Drage up next. His job is a karaoke singer. HA HA HA. Everyone states that he probably wants it TOO much. Singing “Every Breath You Take” out of key. There’s an odd synthisiser going aswell. Louie likes him, as long as he keeps his head down. Danni fancies him. Cheryl thinks it was the perfect song. He implores Simon to be nice,  – it was “GOOD”. He knows there’s better to come. He looks like that guy from the Feeling.

Break. Alexandra and Dead Wife Bloke up next.

Daniel is up. His wife died, you know. Danni is so happy she won last year. He’s terrified of forgetting the lyrics because he’s so much to remember. He’s singing bloody Foreigner, but I actually dig it. The judges promptly throw him under a bus for being a cruise ship singer. They call him nice and brave – his wife died you know – to avoid criticising him.

Big applause for Cheryl. She points out, once again, that Louie rejected her. Alex is singing “I wanna dance.. – the Whitney Houston song I hate…And she has a Tallafornia facelift thing going on. She’s clearly terrified on dancing but its not bad. She gets two awful looking backing singers and Cheryl shimmying at the desk but, crucially – she sounds exactly like Houston. Huge reaction. Louie loves her and calls her amazing. Simon calls her choice “obvious” but fancies her and makes Louie apologise for booting her off three years ago. Alex points out he did her a favour. Cheryl is thrilled for her.


Dermot is in the crowd with JLS F&F. Funnily enough JLS are up. And singing a Boys II Men song. hit the high note. Louie is very cheerful. Simon points out they actually look like a band and REALLY likes them as a band and as potentially one of the best bands. JLS means “Jack the Lad Swings”. Mystery solved.

Scott. With added acne.He doesnt like Brian. Who does. Nine backing singers. Cant for the life of me identify the song he’s butchering. It’s actually four singers and a band.

It’s Matt Bianco. Louie and Danni hates the song choice. Once again Cheryl calls him nice to avoid criticising him. Everyone bashes Simon, who admits he got it wrong. Nice words, but I think he’s done. He mumbles through his interview and starts crying.

Why is Kerry Katona still flogging Iceland?

Christ that Muller ad is awesome.


The Bitch is up next. Five kids, drugs, etc, etc. She starts badly and gets worse. And she’s wearing a trouser suit that makes her look huge. Another hideous song choice (Robyn  – With Every Heartbeat), so says everyone. She takes it well though.

Princess Diana is up next. Her hair has gone to shit again. Nerves – she’s never sung in public.  Her VT makes her look like Cheryl. Live – her hair has gone to hell again. And she’s singing “With or Without You”. Starts badly but comes alive once she nails the high notes. Louie loves her. Danni doesnt like her hands going higgledy piggledy. Simon calls her marmite, which is a good analogy – but he likes her. Chery is SO proud.  Camera reveals she sang barefoot.

Break. We’re nearly ninety minutes in. This Deathblow comic is the worst fucking thing I’ve ever read.

Bad Lashes. Cant decide who I like less, them or Girl Band. They’re singing “It must have been Love” – HOPELESSLY out of tune, and only barely in sync. Their dancing is crap aswell. Louie is shitting himself.

Its probably just me – but the brunette is an anachronism.

Weak overall reaction. Danni calls the good good, but the bad really bad. Cheryl likes them. Simon lays into them, but uses it to needle Louis. Louis point out the Mike Ashley fan club will probably wote for them en bloc.

They all make goofy “phone” hand signals, pissing me off end.

Eoghan is up next. HE’S SIXTEEN.

He’s singing fucking Imagine. I’m going to get prawn toast.

I’ve just realised that he’s what Bill Passmore looked like ten years ago.

Louis loved it. Danni thinks he was great and propositions him. Cheryl etc, etc. Simon is like a proud dad. He gleefully points out he got the song choice RIGHT.

El Spanish Chica is up. She’s singing “Take My Breath Away”. In Spanglish. And wearing a dress designed to show off her massive rack. She’s the first tonight to have the chutzpah to go near the crowd. Louis points out singing in Spanish might have been a bad idea, but everyone else loves her. Simon REALLY likes her. And admits as such.

Laura is up final. I’m judging everything on her hair.

Was it wise to put two identical chicks on last? Hair better than before. Really good Alicia Keys track, judges love her.

This highlight video is endless. I don’t think I can cope with the Xtra Factor. UTV relentlessly plug Eoghan.

Heyyyy Kimberly Walsh is on Xtra Factor. I didnt actually realise this was on live. Mutant Chronicles looks REALLY good.

10. We’re back on. There is apparantly a Twist~ later on. And a piano set up.

It’s LEON. He’s ALIVE!!!! And he’s all grown up and has a Matt Willis thing going. And an orchestra. No, really. Danni VERY proud, and reminds us once again that Simon wasn’t sure about him a year ago. Album out next week.

And we’re back.Set Malfuction as Simon and the geeks can’t escape….Lousi look like he’s leading a gang…

In no real order, the safe ten are.



-Rachel (?????)




-Daniel (All Danni’s acts safe)


-Alexandra (All Cheryl’s acts safe)

(Final Act) -Scott (?????)

Poor Louis. The sing off is Bad Lashes vs. Girl Banned.

The twist is they don’t sing the same song as earlier. They sing something like actually like. Girl Band are singing Dionne Warwick. Bad Lashes are singing Wonderwall. One guess who I’m rooting for.

We’re back. Louis and Simon barely civil.

Girl Band up first.They actually make a decent go of it – but as my brother pointed out – the groups flung togather are always struggling  – their voices are all over the place.

Bad Lashes up. I’m dreading this. It’s “their own” version of the song, which means they half mangle it and half do a decent song. Decision time.

Simon hates both – votes for Bad Lashes

Cheryl feels awful – votes for Girl Band

Danni doesn’t want to do this – but votes for Girl Band

Louis refuses to vote Bad Lashes purely to send it to the public vote.

Deadlock. Clunky music. Bad Lashes. Mini Sarah Harding in tears. Louis is devastated.

Girls Aloud next week! Micheal Jackson songs! Girls Aloud!

And they end, just like that. No singing.

Christ. X-Tra Factor results show.

Girl Band are really emotional but happy they won. We’re gonna step it up!

Can I cope with this for ten weeks? Who knows. Feedback would be appreaciated to see if its worth it.




And after last night’s “speech”, I’m entitled to –


I start working in Forbidden Planet tomorrow morning. Dream Job, etc, etc.


I believe I’m single again. At this point, I don’t really care.


In the midst of Oscars winners, A World Class director, Heath Ledger’s acting tour de force, William Fitchner playing a character called “Edward Nigma” – and a major scene for President ZEUS!  – that fucking Mandy from Hollyoaks played Boss Maroni’s girlfriend in The Dark Knight.

Better review later, but I fucking loved the film.


No words necessary.


I’ve seen the trailer, and yes, I’m f’n STOKED